Ordinary Abnormal versus Extraordinary Abnormal

Charles Bukowski wrote a book in 1983 called 'Tales of Ordinary Madness', which is a collection of stories exploring the pedestrian nature of madness, and how the sane/insane (normal/abnormal) dichotomy is, essentially, an illusion. While my main blog 'Estrangement Diaries' examines the Cluster B Personality Disorders (including ways of recovering from the invariably traumatic and damaging relationships we have with these most disordered and draining of individuals), this blog will look more generally at the ordinariness of dysfunction. There is no such thing as an entirely functional human being, and there is certainly no such thing as an entirely functional partnership or family. But when dysfunctional tips over into toxic (therefore harmful), we need to recognise the signs and take decisive action.

The inherent madness of modern life has become so ordinary, so mainstream, that most of us are collectively desensitised to it. Its wild, attention-seeking cacophony is now merely a background buzz that we tend to barely even notice. In fact many of us seek out ever-increasing levels of craziness; we crave it. For some people, nothing is more horrifying than being thought of as ordinary, of leading an ordinary life. Likewise, the parameters within which we are trained to assess something or someone as normal or abnormal (acceptable or weird/freakish; sane or insane) are constantly being pushed. The 'goalposts of weirdness' (i.e. the boundaries of public acceptance) have shifted and will will never stop shifting. This is usually a positive thing, of course. For example, just a few decades ago, black people were treated like second class citizens in the United States, non-consensual sex between a husband and wife was not considered 'rape', homosexuals were derided and discriminated against (AIDS was unflinchingly referred to as 'the Gay Disease'), and the transgender community was so marginalised they were barely even acknowledged, much less respected. Of course, toxic vestiges of racism, sexism, homophobia and transphobia still remain even in the most 'progressive' societies (and sadly will probably never be completely eradicated), but increasingly those who hold bigoted views are considered the freaks much more than the ethnic or minority groups they fear and deride.

But while we must, as human beings in a diverse world of over seven billion other human beings, be receptive to and respectful and accepting of the myriad individual differences that make each of us unique, we must also be guarded about what distinguishes 'ordinary abnormal' from 'extraordinary abnormal'.

As there is arguably no such thing as 'normal' any more, perhaps these terms are largely meaningless, but we do instinctively know (and feel) what we should and shouldn't tolerate from others - i.e. what feels right for us. Ordinary abnormal is anything that differs from, but doesn't threaten or undermine, our own personal, comfortable microcosm of 'normal madness'. Extraordinary abnormal, on the other hand, includes anyone who disrupts (intentionally or not) our own sense of inner harmony and well-being; anyone or anything that prevents us from living the life we want to live. In other words, whoever and whatever is personally toxic to us. (My presumption is that the vast majority of us want to live a fulfilling and worthwhile life of goodness, peacefulness, humility, integrity, reciprocity and self-discovery.) It is of course impossible to conceive of a world in which everyone in the world tolerates and respects each other, regardless of race, culture, language, faith/beliefs, gender, sexuality, profession, class, background, age, attitude, personality and personal tastes, predilections and peccadilloes. So if someone's 'way of being' conflicts with our own to such an extent that their presence consistently leaves us feeling depleted, sorrowful, despondent, depressed, confused, angry, demeaned, trivialised, ashamed and full of self-doubt, we should not hesitate in our absolute non-negotiable refusal to make time and space for that person in our life. Even if, as is sometimes sadly the case, that person is a dear friend or close relative... as the two quotes from Daniell Koeppe, below, illustrate.